Movies We Haven't Seen

No Strings Attached

2011-01-23T15:50:00.004-05:00

For all the kudos people give The Social Network for it being timely and the purported movie of our generation, I think the premise behind a movie like No Strings Attached probably had a shot at representing the real nitty gritty -- that is, the somewhat outrageous mating/dating habits we've developed when we get together in the flesh with all the pheromones, hormones and the booze going on... Alas, in the trailer it looks like we're in for the easy way out -- a slick and tidy rom-com.

My gut tells me this is a case of a movie where the stars are simply too big and therefore it ruins the entire thing. Sometimes new faces are just needed to endear me to a plot. I personally really do have trouble seeing Ashton Kutcher as anyone besides that dude he plays on That 70s Show (probably due to the fact that he looks roughly exactly the same) and well, in real life it's just too distracting knowing he's getting down with Demi Moore, the queen cougar who is certainly not Natalie Portman. Even in the trailer, a sweet, goofy Natalie Portman just seems off. I suppose I'm still getting over her whole getting-impregnated-by-not-me thing, but even more so I'm having trouble shaking her off as a complete psycho-in-waiting -- can you blame me considering I'm fresh off a viewing of Black Swan? Her fault for being too convincing, I say. Perhaps this is more my problem, an inability to separate reality from fantasy but then again it's not like the movie's completely rooted in reality itself, for how often is your long lost bestie a smoking hot Natalie Portman who is cool as heck? Don't quite see that caliber of female popping up all over...

My prediction is that they end up together in the end as most physically attractive people do, simply because that would give purpose to all the humpy-humpy action that occurs prior, a reason for all the madness. It will be adorable in that aw-it's-so-screwed-up-but-somehow-it-works-for-us-and-makes-us-a-unique-couple way but if it were real life that just makes them Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore -- a couple borne in a kind of entertaining situation but ultimately destined for dysfunction.

Likewise, Portman could potentially pawn off a suddenly emotionally attached Kutcher ('cause who can possibly resist a cool hot chick who you have fun getting coitus on with?) onto one of her numerous roommates that appear in the trailer, of which there appears to be roughly a dozen whom constitute some sort of melting pot Brady Bunch (in which case I look forward to an interracial love story featuring Mindy Kaling who is a comedic goddess).

Let's just say Portman should've waited post-Oscars with Best Actress award firmly in hand before letting this movie see the light of day.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

2009-01-16T13:41:00.003-05:00

I was really excited for a second when I first heard of this film. Last year's "U2 3D" was really incredible, and that live music setting really showed off what 3D was capable of being. It also happens that I really like shoegazer music. So why not a 3D concert movie from My Bloody Valentine, other than all of the really good reasons why there shouldn't be one, I thought.

Of course, all of those really good reasons why there shouldn't be a My Bloody Valentine 3D concert movie were too convincing for movie execs, and so instead they green lit a 3D remake of the old Canadian slasher movie from which the band took their name. Boring.

Except for not really. Modern 3D technology is actually really cool, especially when movies aren't just converted after the fact but actually filmed in 3D. Imagine pick-axes and knives and stuff coming at you realistically. Attractive young females being punished for their sexuality bouncing out of their two-dimensional prison. How could you not find that interesting? Plus, according to the commercial, it's a really good date movie. Sounds like a win-win to me.

For Your Consideration - "Gran Torino"

2009-01-09T09:45:00.003-05:00

Over the past few weeks, there have been many movies released to great pomp and circumstance by the powers that be in film. As it happens, however, every one of them was a limited release. Luckily for us, that means nobody has seen them. Over the next few weeks, we present the following reviews for your consideration of movies that have been submitted "For Your Consideration."

Even God himself probably has little notion of how excited I am at this very moment. I am a button push away from watching Clint Eastwood's latest. My brain is on the verge of orgasming sloppily all over my apartment. Clint Eastwood directs himself as a character who resembles the man we all expect Clint Eastwood to be: a grumpy old man who isn't about to take shit from anybody, let alone some gang members. What more could I ask from the man? "Changeling 2?"

But let's be serious. I don't care who you are, you should probably want to see this movie. Men, with no questions asked, you should want to see this movie. Only girls would maybe say "No, I don't think that interests me much." And for them, you can drag out the touching storyline of an old man befriending his immigrant neighbor through their efforts to restore and old muscle car. That's right: a manly Clint Eastwood movie that even chicks can like. None of that "Bridges of Madison County" crap, here.

Do I really need to keep myself waiting any longer just to tell you how perfect this movie is? Or, at least on paper? This is like my own personal "Snakes on a Plane." The rest of the world waited for Samuel L. to curse at some CGI cobras. I'm waiting for Eastwood in pants up to his belly button growling "Get off my lawn!"

Valkyrie

2008-12-27T22:03:00.003-05:00

The timing of this release is head-scratching... Hooray holiday season! Let's go watch Tom Cruise try to kill Hitler in a historical thriller?

Omg totally. So there.

As engaging a premise as this is, thrillers are all about the suspense, and in Valkyrie there's absolutely no suspense. We know how this ends already. It's really not that exciting. He fails. Miserably. Probably doesn't even come remotely close to getting it done. I mean, it's cute that he tries. But we know that ultimately the Allies clean this mess up. I guess we could give the guy a gold foil wrapped chocolate medal for participation?

The only suspense related to this film is getting giddy over seeing Tom Cruise try and act all Nazi-like. Germans probably wanted this movie to be made in hopes that it would further rehab their image ("Look! Some of us didn't like Hitler as well! Honestly!"), but really all it does is associate Nazis with pirates, thanks to the film's historically accurate homage to Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg's eyepatch (soooo just copied and pasted the Colonel's name).

I didn't really want to harp on the eyepatch, but let's face facts: It's the star of the film. Besides getting the good Colonel laid, I reckon the eyepatch is probably the reason his assassination attempt failed. I mean, if I were a paranoid Hitler hiding in a bunker while WWII goes down the shitter, you know who I wouldn't wanna be around?

The dude with the lousy eyepatch who's probably ridiculously pissed off that he's lost an eye in service of his (losing) country.

Just sayin'.

The Tale of Despereaux

2008-12-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

Forget Jesus being born today - everybody ought to gather and celebrate the lovechild of that rat from Ratatouille and the Virgin Dumbo!

But in all seriousness, my mom loves the book (yes, it was a book) and what she says goes, so I'm totally tagging along and checking this well-endowed rat out. You know what they say, big ears.... big Q-tips required? Beats me.

Milk

2008-11-27T23:11:00.003-05:00

"This tastes like the cows got into an onion patch." - Napoleon Dynamite, Milk Taster

Harvey Milk was an important civil rights leader from California, which I guess means he was only important to 47.7% of Californians. Milk was gay and fought loudly and proudly (and fiercely, I guess, too) for gay rights back in the 70s before it was the cool thing to do. Needless to say, people didn't like that, and he was killed. Today, his story is "coincidentally" very relevant.

Sean Penn stars in the titular role (which, I presume, will be the only 'tit's in this movie.) James Franco is in this movie as well, and he gets naked.

That, however, is the shame of this movie. It looks kind of boring and standard bio-pic, even though it's directed by Gus Van Sant, has cool actors, and is about a guy whose story is important. This movie should have striven to do more than bring a relatively unknown hero to the attention of a country that by and large doesn't care about gay rights and doesn't want to. It should make us care about him. That's what was so good about "Brokeback Mountain": you looked beyond the butt-sex and actually thought about the complex relationship between the characters. With this, I just get the feeling we'll remember it less as a movie that brought a good man's life to the attention of the world than we will remember it as the one where Spicoli and the drug dealer from "Pineapple Express" totally made out in the pool.

Also, "This film promises to be the 'Milk'-iest movie of the year!!!" BOOM!

Four Christmases

2008-11-25T23:53:00.004-05:00

Reese obviously doesn't approve of our blog or its contents.

Let's dive right into this holiday romance:

Boy (Vince Vaughn): Hey there hot stuff. I hate my family and don't want to get married and have children because I've seen firsthand how terrible it is to be raised by people you're actually related to. Now that I've grown into a big boy, I don't ever want to spend time with them because they're embarrassing and suffocating. How 'bout you?

Girl (Reese Witherspoon): Ohmigawd me too! We have so much in common...

Boy: That's a satisfactory response. I am a giant and you are a little minx, and I find the top of your head very, very appealing. Let's procreate.

Girl: That is so sweet. I love looking up into your nostrils and the underneath of your chin/neck area is so studly. Let's totally get it on.

(RELATIONSHIP ENSUES. LOVE GROWS OVER MUTUAL DISTASTE FOR CONVENTIONAL FAMILY LIFESTYLE. LONG AWAITED ROMANTIC VACATION DURING THE HOLIDAYS IS CANCELED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER.)

Boy: I guess we could see the family, since we have nothing else to do and have been avoiding it forever. We have shacked up with each other for a while now.

Girl: I suppose you're right. Let's do it.

... Ain't that a cliffhanger? Aren't you dying to figure out what happens? Isn't this the most hilarious premise ever?

Thought so. I just saved you ten bucks. The End.

Bolt: An Epic for Our Time

2008-11-21T23:37:00.003-05:00

There is a long and storied tradition of animated films which take great works of drama and literature and adapt them for children, generally by turning the main characters into adorable animals. The Lion King is Hamlet, only with lions and some characters live at the end. The Jungle Book is the Jungle book only with singing. The list goes on and on. Into this crowded but noble arena steps the latest contender, Bolt, a film which breaks new ground by being an adaptation of two different works of literature.

Bolt takes it structure from Homer's famous epic, The Odyssey. As we all learned in Mr. Bosch's ninth grade English class, The Odyssey is the story of Odysseus, a brave Greek hero who finds himself far from home and uses only his wits to overcome all manner of monsters and gods so he can return home to his loving wife. In the film, the Odysseus character is Bolt (John Travolta), a dog who plays a really kickass super dog on TV. However, when Bolt ends up somewhere other than the TV set, he discovers that he does not possess any of the powers he thought he did and instead must rely only on his wits (see the connection?) and a few friends (who end up getting eaten by Charybdis in the second act) in order to get home to his true love, Some Girl (Miley Cyrus).

While Bolt uses the narrative arc of the hero's journey, its emotional heart is taken straight out of Nabokov's famous novel Lolita. For those unfamiliar (we didn't read it in Bosch's class, so you're excused), Lolita is a tale of unrequited love between an older man and a far-too-young girl. Though John Travolta and Miley Cyrus fit neatly into these roles, the creators of Bolt wisely decided that, in this era of Ashton-Demi and Alanis-Uncle Joey, a February-October romance just doesn't have the same edge it did in Nabokov's time. You gotta hand it to Disney: beastility is the new statutory rape and they totally called it first.

I could go on and on about Bolt's myriad literary allusions--its reinterpretation of Hegel's Master-Slave dialectic in the the third act is particularly clever--but this is a movie review, not literature class. What really matter is how well this movie compares to Wall-E. And frankly, it's just not even the same league. Wall-E was a pleasant but ultimately cold movie, with some good laughs but little to say. Bolt, on the other hand, takes many of the seminal works of the English canon and reinterprets them in a way that is understandable and meaningful to kids, adults, and even dogs. So bring Fido along, because this isn't just Lolita with heart, it's also a whole lot of fun.

Australia

2008-11-19T20:41:00.016-05:00

Hugh Jackman and his wild beast... Nicole Kidman.

I could start this review with "G'Day" but that'd be so ridiculously cliché.

Oh wait, this entire movie is a giant cliché, so let's go ahead and fire it up with a hearty G'DAY MATE. Get ready, for The Greatest Love Story of Our Time (That Coincidentally Occurs In a Completely Different Time) has arrived. Never before have we witnessed a hot, steamy, passionate vegemite-fueled romance of this caliber. This Outback Steakhouse (damn their pseudo-Aussieness) produced picture takes us to the Land Down Under where Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman search for the mythical Bloomin' Onion.

Hugh Jackman basically plays himself - a wild Australian bush man who's quick to shout "Crikey!" when critters and Aboriginals be actin' all foolish. (It should be noted that Steve Irwin was originally pegged for this Crikey-heavy role, having mastered Crikey like no other.) Nicole Kidman plays a frigid bitch of a Brit, which is a far stretch for her (please note that the preceding comment was in regards to her acting rather than her infamously inelastic forehead). As for the rest of the cast, the platypuses play platypuses very convincingly, as do the kangaroos (who play kangaroos) and the koalas (who play koalas). Let's not forget the wombats and kookaburras, who are not quite as successful but are (for the most part) very capable.

In short, Australia is basically the silver screen equivalent of Foster's beer in its "let's-internationally-capitalize-off-being-Australian-produced-even-though-our-own-countrymen-don't-really-like-us"-ness. I mean, the movie's basically a rip-off of Pearl Harbor, except Kate Beckinsale>Nicole Kidman. Having said that, the top-notch boomerang warfare kicks this puppy up. That and a bangin' didgeridoo score - hollaaaaaa.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to Hugh. He's just so ridiculously sexy - so much so that I'd go as far as say he is the sexiest male specimen alive on this planet at this time and I will stand by that assessment for one calendar year. Hey! Whaddya know? People magazine got with the program. Check out the studmuffin radar on me!

Twilight

2008-11-17T11:44:00.004-05:00

For those of you not in the know, I spent a significant amount of time working for a book retailer this year. I am not a hormone-addled pubescent girl, I am not Goth, and I am not a Mormon. For all of the preceding reasons, I had been completely unaware of what Twilight was and how huge it is. Working at a book store changed that, and has set off many alarms. Sure, Twilight is the next Harry Potter they'll tell you. Beware, though: the enormousness of this craze belies the enormity of its subtext...

For those unaware, let me brief you on Twilight as I have come to understand it. This series of books is about vampires. Totally wussy emo vampires. The vampires, in their own world are still kind of cool, but are incredibly strong, and if one was to, for (very specific) example, have sex with a human girl, she'd be completely overpowered and killed. The thing is, one of these totally wussy emo vampires has fallen in love with a human. They decide to stay in love, but in a totally chaste, abstinent relationship.

So here we have a whole Christian-values allegory based on the premise of vampires not being vampires. Does any of that make sense? Are we seriously this deranged as a society that people can like this stuff, let alone totally obsess over it?

Did I mention that they were wussy emo vampires? And did you see the picture of the cast above? Whatever, man. They used to play videos of behind the scenes on the set of "Twilight" at the bookstore. Even the parts that you think might kind of be cool, the action scenes, looked bad.

I wanted to make fun of this movie, but just look at the freaking picture! Any joke would just be redundant. Well, any joke except a penis joke, I guess, but making penis jokes in front of teenage girls is not recommended.

A Christmas Tale

2008-11-14T11:37:00.004-05:00

"A Christmas Tale" is a comedy written and directed by Arnaud Desplechin. You may have noticed that the title references a certain holiday widely celebrated in the Western world. And you may have noticed that the writer/director's name sounds awfully French.

I don't care how good Peter Travers says this is, and that dude bought the house I grew up in. (true story.) Pass.

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-13T21:39:00.012-05:00

Bond, James Bond is back and extremely pissed off from Casino Royale. In his second go around as Mi6's most famous agent, Daniel Craig makes his mark and takes Bond from the dashing, metrosexual Casanova that was Pierce Brosnan to a gritty badass who is surprisingly human... Human in the sense that he has actual feelings but also human in the sense that he's kind of a major butterface. Hey, you can't have it all.

Hmm. I'm going to soften the blow and say that I guess he's kind of ruggedly handsome. He's attractive in the way a pug is cute; They're ugly and misshapen to the point that it's unique and therefore appealing.

Anyways, this generation's Bond isn't smack dab in the thick of things just to screw around while having perfect hair - he's in it to avenge the death of his one true love, Vesper Lynd, the only woman who has ever managed to pull a fast one on Bond and deceive him.

It's kind of romantic (You killed my woman! I'm gonna get you for that!)... It's also kind of really freaking emo. Since when has Bond cared enough about a broad to go that out of his way? The man rebounds like Rodman in his prime for crying out loud.

Remarkably, Quantum of Solace is the least awkward title they could come up with. I encourage you to see it if you like seeing things go kaboom (from actual explosions/explosions in the bedroom with his hot new partner-in-crime) and if you like seeing Daniel Craig pout for a couple of hours.

ACTUAL MAJOR SPOILER ALERT (DON'T BLAME ME, BLAME WIKIPEDIA): The nefarious terrorist in Quantum of Solace poses as an environmentalist... Damn those environmentalists! And get this: The main plot is to take control of a country's water supply! Forget nuclear war - droughts are freaking scary. Bitches get crazy without their H2O... Then you have to ration it, and take like, 2 minute showers. Who wants to live in a world like that!?!?

Role Models

2008-11-07T01:28:00.009-05:00

Well grab a bottle of Jack and get ready to slap your knee 'cause Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott have no idea what they're getting into when they decide to go the community service route. They thought they were getting off light, but boy, were they wrong 'cause here comes McLovin' 2.0 (Improved Nerdier Dungeons & Dragons Dungeon Master Version) and a rowdy whippersnapper kid.

The kid is mouthy and downright ghetto, which means he's automatically freaking hysterical. Think Everybody Hates Chris but a little less meek and a lot more... Oh wait, nobody watches that show. Here you go (feel free to fast forward to about the 43 second mark). That's basically who this kid was modeled after. I have to give credit where credit is due: It's hard to cram in that many negative stereotypes in one role - bravo sir, bravo. As for everybody else, Stifler is a hoot trying to corral the lad, and Rudd is basically the guy he was in Knocked Up but less lovable and even more of a cynical asshole. McLovin' is still McLovin' and everybody else is a retread from Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin. Gotta love me some consistency.

After some initial conflict, things start turning around as characters mature and actually (tear*) learn and grow from interacting with one another (what with all their bonding over minor felonies and acts of public lewdness). Ultimately we have a feel-good ending. Hoorah!

P.S. Major spoiler alert: The name of the movie is ironic. ROFL.

Madagascar 2

2008-11-06T22:21:00.003-05:00

Parents, get ready to laugh alongside your children as (Studio)'s latest computer animated adventure hits screens this weekend. Following up on last year's big hit "(Computer Animated Comedic Adventure)", this movie will be sure to have the kids in stitches. Charming visuals and lots of goofy jokes will keep the kids entertained, but this movie is plenty funny for adults, too. Featuring the voices of (Famous Celebrity), (Famous Celebrity), and (Famous Celebrity), there are all sorts of pop culture references sure to draw out chuckles. Like (Every other computer animated film, except for those by Pixar), this film follows a bunch of animals with a whole lot of humanity on (Generic Quest), during which hilarity ensues. But, this film isn't all just humor. Along the way, the characters will learn important lessons and discover that they are all special in their unique way just they way they are. And be sure to listen for a riotous cameo by (Other Famous Celebrity Now Known For Acting)!

RocknRolla

2008-10-31T08:21:00.005-04:00

I don't understand how this movie can just be titled RocknRolla. I feel like it needs to at least be ROCKNROLLA!!!! or ROCKNROLLAAAAAA. Only CAPS LOCK and multiple exclamation points can convey how hardcore it is. Perhaps a combination of the two: ROCKNROLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Anyways, RocknRolla is Guy Ritchie's coming-out-from-the-iron-grip-of-Madonna's-hooha flick (welcome back Guy!). Set in London's shady criminal underworld, RocknRolla is all about "sex, thugs, and rock n roll."

That's right: Thugs, not drugs. Why no drugs you ask? Because, my dear aspiring hoodrat, the hot new black market good is REAL ESTATE, not drugs. As in, this movie is basically propelled by a very lucrative real estate deal. Somehow this real estate business also involves a mysteriously vanished rockstar and a stolen painting and this clusterf*ck of a situation eventually results in skirmishes between various warring gangs...

Don't you love convoluted plots? Convoluted = Better. Bonus sexy points because real estate is involved. Lex Luthor and Donald Trump are getting all hot and bothered.

Smokin' Aces, uh, I mean, RocknRolla, features Gerard Butler* (sans 300 Spartans) as a modern day lone-wolf badass named One Two... Because a name based on numbers is EXTREMELY INTIMIDATING in this day and age (mostly due to our failing educational system). Then there's a bunch of other guys in this ensemble cast, notably Thandie Newton (a corrupt "accountant" for the sole purpose of rehashing that math is scary and evil), Jeremy Piven, and Chris "Ludacris" Bridges. Remarkably, everybody in this movie (that's set in London) has an English accent... Except for Ludacris. But that's only because they cast him as an American who is trying to break into the music industry, obviously a far cry from his real life. So yeah there's those guys and a laundry list of every conceivable underworld archetype.

Can you tell I'm bored? What can I say, RocknRolla just fails to "RocknRolla" me. Having said that, I strongly encourage you to see it (despite my trashing this crap movie) in order to support Guy Ritchie during this difficult time. Team Guy!

*Gerard, you're better than this. I mean, P.S. I Love You was a masterpiece man.

Stranded: I've Come from a plane that crashed in the Mountains

2008-10-29T08:08:00.004-04:00

Ah! Stranded: I've Come from a plane that crashed in the Mountains, I have been waiting for you my whole life. Finally, a film adaptation of the Nobel Prize winner My Side of the Mountain. Not only was that, like, my most favorite book in 5th grade ever (way better than Goosebumps(tm)[RIP]), but to make things sweeter, it turned into a hella killer movie!

To see the influence of the original book on this stunning and immaculate picture, you need no more than a blunt wit, and maybe some eyeballs. You see Bilbo from MSOTM bravely hiked in to the mountains to carve out a home in a tree and befriend some Peregrine Falcon, wheras Shilo, from S:ICFAPTCINM, hikes OUT of the mountains, to carve out a home in a city dumpster and befriend a hemophilic rat-Mikey, portrayed brilliantly by ratctor Sniffles McWhiskers.

And here we arrive at the central theme of this brilliant work of film: hemophilia. My public school education taught me that all characters in books are Tragic Heroes, and Shilo is no exception. His flaw, hemophilia, though endearing at first, eventually leads to his downfall. Just as our hearts are lifted when he manages to survive the plane crash despite his condition, they are dashed to the ground when, in a nod to my most favorite 4th grade book, Hatchet, Shilo succumbs to a hatchet wound acquired during a civil dispute with Mikey. Heartwrenching stuff, seriously.

High School Musical 3

2008-10-24T20:33:00.002-04:00

Go Wildcats! School is back in session and the exceptionally flamboyant students of “I didn’t care to research the name” high school are back with an action packed performance. It’s senior year and everything is on the line: male lead and female lead are going off to college and might never see each other again; male lead has to lead the basketball team to victory so he can get with female lead; female lead has to win an important scholarship so she can go to college; and most importantly, both need to help organize the best senior musical ever to raise enough money to put up bail for their beloved principal who was imprisoned for the brutal rape and murder of one of the unpopular, non melodic students who nobody liked in the first place, so he can attend their senior play. Circular reasoning… I know.
Male lead puts up a spectacular performance. He is the perfectly generic high school heart throb who can sing, act (his character can, not him), and play awesome Bball with amazing cinematic cuts that make it look like he’s sinking them from half court. But really, honestly… he sucks.
Now Female lead… don’t get me started on her, oh wait, that’s what I’m supposed to do. Well, female lead brings it home with a sonorous voice and some scintillating outfits that old Walt definitely would not have approved of(don’t worry, she just plays a high school student in the movie)! She is the one redeeming feature of the movie, and not for her acting.
But seriously, this movie was awful, and this reviewer believes that it may be directly responsible for the Dow Jones Industrial Average 3% decline in blue chip stocks on the day it premiered!
Game Set Match

Changeling

2008-10-24T13:12:00.008-04:00

If there was such a thing as manliest man ever, it'd probably go to Clint Eastwood. He's pretty much the sweetest thing to ever happen to film ever. Think about it: the three brilliant spaghetti westerns that culminate in "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly"; the Dirty Harry movies (all five of 'em, but with special mention for "Sudden Impact", which he also directed); "Unforgiven". Not only is he one of the greatest film personae of all time, but he's an incredibly talented director. Like many of Eastwood's characters might, I'm unable to put into words how I excited I was to watch the trailer for his latest, "Changeling".

But then I watched it.

It stars Angelina Jolie, but it's a super-serious period piece drama, so she won't be hot in this movie. Making Angelina Jolie not hot is a shockingly unmanly thing to do. Frankly, though, that's not this movie's biggest problem. Instead, it's this movie's compulsion to be a super-serious period piece drama that really makes it lame.

For what it's worth, Jolie is a very talented actress. Watching this movie, however, will probably feel like a super-long, super-serious promotional video for just how talented she is. Eastwood himself is a minimalist actor, which makes it so surprising that the actors in his movies tend to be a little over the top. Let's look at this handy reference guide.

On the left, at zero, we have Clint Eastwood. I've seen almost all of his movies and I can say definitively that Mr. Eastwood has never shown any emotion once in his entire career. Showing slightly more expression is Gene Hackman in "Unforgiven"; I'll give him a 2.5. Sean Penn, who won the Academy Award for "Mystic River", pretty much landed it just right, achieving a 7. Ms. Jolie almost surely pushes it all the way to a 10 in "Changeling". If she was any more expressive, she'd be El Greco. You can just tell that once this movie gets going, it will feature Ms. Jolie shrieking in horror, weeping in despair, or bursting with nervous energy. Every frame will emphasize the super-seriousness of the period piece drama unfolding before us.

The basic plot of the movie centers around a terrible true story, in which Jolie takes on the LAPD because they returned the wrong kidnapped boy to her and covered it up or something. I didn't really notice the plot because I was too busy trying to figure out why we needed another movie in which Angelina Jolie ends up stuck in a mental ward or copes with the harsh realities of patriarchal oppression.

It's hard to believe I'm saying this, but this is a film probably worth skipping. Save your $10 for when Eastwood releases in January the Japanese-language version told from the perspective of the LAPD detective in conflict with Jolie

Pride and Glory

2008-10-22T14:47:00.004-04:00

Let's get one thing straight: Pride and Glory is a Serious movie. It's easy to tell, because there aren't any jokes and because Edward Norton (The Incredible Hulk, Death to Smoochy) is in it and he is a Serious actor.

Norton stars as Ray Tierney, a Good Cop^TM from a family of less than good cops. Jon Voight is the family patriarch and police chief; Colin Farrell plays the brother; and some other guy rounds out the family as the other male member of the family. The movie is far too Serious to waste time with females. This is a movie about the important issues: Honor, Brotherhood, Family, Camaraderie, Loyalty, Masculinity, The NYPD.

The plot really kicks into high gear when a number of Ray's boys get killed and he's assigned to find the killer(s). SPOILER ALERT: The trail leads to Colin Farrell's boys, and ultimately to Farrell, thus setting up the central moral question of the film. It's one everybody has dealt with at some time: When your cop brother is actually a cop killer, do you turn him in even when it means ruining your entire cop family's career?

Naturally, being played by Voight, Papa Tierney is on hand to be morally ambiguous and try to dissuade Ray from Doing the Right Thing in favor of Thinking About His Family. And the other male family member almost has to die to remind the viewer that in Serious things like this the innocent are always the ones who suffer the most.

Of course, the viewer, suffering through this painful film, is already keenly aware of that fact.

Saw V

2008-10-22T08:09:00.006-04:00

Let me get this out in the clear: I'm biased against horror flicks. I don't see a lot of them because I'm fragile and delicate and don't want to see people getting sliced up and gashed up by loonies. What can I say? Blood makes me antsy. Why expose yourself unnecessarily, even if it's the fake stuff? I'll pass, thank you.

But really, I think most horror films are abysmal. There's plot holes galore, horribly clichéd gloom-and-doom suspense music, and scantily clad girls who are only on screen for 5 seconds before they scream rather obnoxiously and are removed from the film in a grotesque manner. What a buzzkill.

Enter Saw V, which succeeds in encompassing all these things that I despise. Absolute garbage.

Seriously, eff Saw V. I didn't see the first four, and I'm sure as hell not about to start now. And WTF is up with there being a FIFTH installment? That's just a sorry excuse for a villain if he can't get his shit locked down in four feature length films. Don't give me that BS about it being a different incarnation of the killer, or that there are loose ends to be tied up... I mean, how the hell are there still loose ends the FIFTH TIME AROUND? The nerve of some people, really.

Get over it bro, hang up your chainsaw, or whatever the fuck "Saw" refers to and get a regular day job because you're obviously not "cut out" for the serial killing business. Hee hee.

Still, if my words of persuasion fail to dissuade you, Saw V opens October 24th.

Again, I strongly encourage you to stay home and clip your toenails. Now that's some straight up horror shit for you.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2008-10-20T17:41:00.011-04:00

Kevin Smith's latest flick Zack and Miri Make a Porno is going to make October 31st (its release date) the day that we will remember for the rest of our lives. It will overshadow Halloween. In fact, it will blow it out of the water as the opening of this film is going to be so monumental that in the future, only historians with the weirdest, most obscure areas of interest will be able to tell you that October 31st was anything but "Zack and Miri" day.

Even then they'll doubt themselves when they dig up ancient photos of Halloween, because all the girls in slutty outfits will simply resemble extras in the epic porno that Zack and Miri made.

Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are platonic friends that need to come up with some money to pay the rent. Naturally Zack proposes making a saucy skin-flick for cash. Hilarity ensues - not just your regular hilarity, but hilarity that will leave your underwear soiled. Theaters nationwide are being equipped to deal with this as we speak.

Rogen is his usual oafish self, delivering one-liners that are anything but throwaways, while Banks makes Meg Ryan blush with her top notch fake orgasms. She gave us a glimpse of this talent in the 40 Year Old Virgin, but you can see in Zack and Miri that she's committed to her craft and really honed it.

Having said that, Miri's not just eye candy or an orgasm-on-cue machine. Ultimately it is Miri's genuine sweetness that sends you home crying yourself to sleep, your love for her unrequited because she's not real. Zack is kind of a hopeless loser, but he's like your best loser friend (or yourself, if you're that friend) meaning he's awesome, because we love our tragically flawed heroes.

On a sidenote, Craig Robinson (Darryl of The Office) basically steals the movie as Delaney just like he did as the bouncer in Knocked Up. He's that good. It's almost distracting, because you end up feeling like he should get an hour onscreen just by himself.

Finally, this movie is not the box office powerhouse it is without the women. The boobs in this film played a large role (like DD large) in propelling Zack and Miri to its place among the pantheon of Hollywood classics. We salute you.