Valkyrie

The timing of this release is head-scratching... Hooray holiday season! Let's go watch Tom Cruise try to kill Hitler in a historical thriller?

Omg totally. So there.

As engaging a premise as this is, thrillers are all about the suspense, and in Valkyrie there's absolutely no suspense. We know how this ends already. It's really not that exciting. He fails. Miserably. Probably doesn't even come remotely close to getting it done. I mean, it's cute that he tries. But we know that ultimately the Allies clean this mess up. I guess we could give the guy a gold foil wrapped chocolate medal for participation?

The only suspense related to this film is getting giddy over seeing Tom Cruise try and act all Nazi-like. Germans probably wanted this movie to be made in hopes that it would further rehab their image ("Look! Some of us didn't like Hitler as well! Honestly!"), but really all it does is associate Nazis with pirates, thanks to the film's historically accurate homage to Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg's eyepatch (soooo just copied and pasted the Colonel's name).

I didn't really want to harp on the eyepatch, but let's face facts: It's the star of the film. Besides getting the good Colonel laid, I reckon the eyepatch is probably the reason his assassination attempt failed. I mean, if I were a paranoid Hitler hiding in a bunker while WWII goes down the shitter, you know who I wouldn't wanna be around?

The dude with the lousy eyepatch who's probably ridiculously pissed off that he's lost an eye in service of his (losing) country.

Just sayin'.