Twilight

For those of you not in the know, I spent a significant amount of time working for a book retailer this year. I am not a hormone-addled pubescent girl, I am not Goth, and I am not a Mormon. For all of the preceding reasons, I had been completely unaware of what Twilight was and how huge it is. Working at a book store changed that, and has set off many alarms. Sure, Twilight is the next Harry Potter they'll tell you. Beware, though: the enormousness of this craze belies the enormity of its subtext...

For those unaware, let me brief you on Twilight as I have come to understand it. This series of books is about vampires. Totally wussy emo vampires. The vampires, in their own world are still kind of cool, but are incredibly strong, and if one was to, for (very specific) example, have sex with a human girl, she'd be completely overpowered and killed. The thing is, one of these totally wussy emo vampires has fallen in love with a human. They decide to stay in love, but in a totally chaste, abstinent relationship.

So here we have a whole Christian-values allegory based on the premise of vampires not being vampires. Does any of that make sense? Are we seriously this deranged as a society that people can like this stuff, let alone totally obsess over it?

Did I mention that they were wussy emo vampires? And did you see the picture of the cast above? Whatever, man. They used to play videos of behind the scenes on the set of "Twilight" at the bookstore. Even the parts that you think might kind of be cool, the action scenes, looked bad.

I wanted to make fun of this movie, but just look at the freaking picture! Any joke would just be redundant. Well, any joke except a penis joke, I guess, but making penis jokes in front of teenage girls is not recommended.