No Strings Attached

For all the kudos people give The Social Network for it being timely and the purported movie of our generation, I think the premise behind a movie like No Strings Attached probably had a shot at representing the real nitty gritty -- that is, the somewhat outrageous mating/dating habits we've developed when we get together in the flesh with all the pheromones, hormones and the booze going on... Alas, in the trailer it looks like we're in for the easy way out -- a slick and tidy rom-com.

My gut tells me this is a case of a movie where the stars are simply too big and therefore it ruins the entire thing. Sometimes new faces are just needed to endear me to a plot. I personally really do have trouble seeing Ashton Kutcher as anyone besides that dude he plays on That 70s Show (probably due to the fact that he looks roughly exactly the same) and well, in real life it's just too distracting knowing he's getting down with Demi Moore, the queen cougar who is certainly not Natalie Portman. Even in the trailer, a sweet, goofy Natalie Portman just seems off. I suppose I'm still getting over her whole getting-impregnated-by-not-me thing, but even more so I'm having trouble shaking her off as a complete psycho-in-waiting -- can you blame me considering I'm fresh off a viewing of Black Swan? Her fault for being too convincing, I say. Perhaps this is more my problem, an inability to separate reality from fantasy but then again it's not like the movie's completely rooted in reality itself, for how often is your long lost bestie a smoking hot Natalie Portman who is cool as heck? Don't quite see that caliber of female popping up all over...

My prediction is that they end up together in the end as most physically attractive people do, simply because that would give purpose to all the humpy-humpy action that occurs prior, a reason for all the madness. It will be adorable in that aw-it's-so-screwed-up-but-somehow-it-works-for-us-and-makes-us-a-unique-couple way but if it were real life that just makes them Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore -- a couple borne in a kind of entertaining situation but ultimately destined for dysfunction.

Likewise, Portman could potentially pawn off a suddenly emotionally attached Kutcher ('cause who can possibly resist a cool hot chick who you have fun getting coitus on with?) onto one of her numerous roommates that appear in the trailer, of which there appears to be roughly a dozen whom constitute some sort of melting pot Brady Bunch (in which case I look forward to an interracial love story featuring Mindy Kaling who is a comedic goddess).

Let's just say Portman should've waited post-Oscars with Best Actress award firmly in hand before letting this movie see the light of day.

My Bloody Valentine 3D

I was really excited for a second when I first heard of this film. Last year's "U2 3D" was really incredible, and that live music setting really showed off what 3D was capable of being. It also happens that I really like shoegazer music. So why not a 3D concert movie from My Bloody Valentine, other than all of the really good reasons why there shouldn't be one, I thought.

Of course, all of those really good reasons why there shouldn't be a My Bloody Valentine 3D concert movie were too convincing for movie execs, and so instead they green lit a 3D remake of the old Canadian slasher movie from which the band took their name. Boring.


Except for not really. Modern 3D technology is actually really cool, especially when movies aren't just converted after the fact but actually filmed in 3D. Imagine pick-axes and knives and stuff coming at you realistically. Attractive young females being punished for their sexuality bouncing out of their two-dimensional prison. How could you not find that interesting? Plus, according to the commercial, it's a really good date movie. Sounds like a win-win to me.

For Your Consideration - "Gran Torino"

Over the past few weeks, there have been many movies released to great pomp and circumstance by the powers that be in film. As it happens, however, every one of them was a limited release. Luckily for us, that means nobody has seen them. Over the next few weeks, we present the following reviews for your consideration of movies that have been submitted "For Your Consideration."

Even God himself probably has little notion of how excited I am at this very moment. I am a button push away from watching Clint Eastwood's latest. My brain is on the verge of orgasming sloppily all over my apartment. Clint Eastwood directs himself as a character who resembles the man we all expect Clint Eastwood to be: a grumpy old man who isn't about to take shit from anybody, let alone some gang members. What more could I ask from the man? "Changeling 2?"

But let's be serious. I don't care who you are, you should probably want to see this movie. Men, with no questions asked, you should want to see this movie. Only girls would maybe say "No, I don't think that interests me much." And for them, you can drag out the touching storyline of an old man befriending his immigrant neighbor through their efforts to restore and old muscle car. That's right: a manly Clint Eastwood movie that even chicks can like. None of that "Bridges of Madison County" crap, here.

Do I really need to keep myself waiting any longer just to tell you how perfect this movie is? Or, at least on paper? This is like my own personal "Snakes on a Plane." The rest of the world waited for Samuel L. to curse at some CGI cobras. I'm waiting for Eastwood in pants up to his belly button growling "Get off my lawn!"

Valkyrie

The timing of this release is head-scratching... Hooray holiday season! Let's go watch Tom Cruise try to kill Hitler in a historical thriller?

Omg totally. So there.

As engaging a premise as this is, thrillers are all about the suspense, and in Valkyrie there's absolutely no suspense. We know how this ends already. It's really not that exciting. He fails. Miserably. Probably doesn't even come remotely close to getting it done. I mean, it's cute that he tries. But we know that ultimately the Allies clean this mess up. I guess we could give the guy a gold foil wrapped chocolate medal for participation?

The only suspense related to this film is getting giddy over seeing Tom Cruise try and act all Nazi-like. Germans probably wanted this movie to be made in hopes that it would further rehab their image ("Look! Some of us didn't like Hitler as well! Honestly!"), but really all it does is associate Nazis with pirates, thanks to the film's historically accurate homage to Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg's eyepatch (soooo just copied and pasted the Colonel's name).

I didn't really want to harp on the eyepatch, but let's face facts: It's the star of the film. Besides getting the good Colonel laid, I reckon the eyepatch is probably the reason his assassination attempt failed. I mean, if I were a paranoid Hitler hiding in a bunker while WWII goes down the shitter, you know who I wouldn't wanna be around?

The dude with the lousy eyepatch who's probably ridiculously pissed off that he's lost an eye in service of his (losing) country.

Just sayin'.

The Tale of Despereaux

Forget Jesus being born today - everybody ought to gather and celebrate the lovechild of that rat from Ratatouille and the Virgin Dumbo!

But in all seriousness, my mom loves the book (yes, it was a book) and what she says goes, so I'm totally tagging along and checking this well-endowed rat out. You know what they say, big ears.... big Q-tips required? Beats me.

Milk

"This tastes like the cows got into an onion patch." - Napoleon Dynamite, Milk Taster


Harvey Milk was an important civil rights leader from California, which I guess means he was only important to 47.7% of Californians. Milk was gay and fought loudly and proudly (and fiercely, I guess, too) for gay rights back in the 70s before it was the cool thing to do. Needless to say, people didn't like that, and he was killed. Today, his story is "coincidentally" very relevant.

Sean Penn stars in the titular role (which, I presume, will be the only 'tit's in this movie.) James Franco is in this movie as well, and he gets naked.

That, however, is the shame of this movie. It looks kind of boring and standard bio-pic, even though it's directed by Gus Van Sant, has cool actors, and is about a guy whose story is important. This movie should have striven to do more than bring a relatively unknown hero to the attention of a country that by and large doesn't care about gay rights and doesn't want to. It should make us care about him. That's what was so good about "Brokeback Mountain": you looked beyond the butt-sex and actually thought about the complex relationship between the characters. With this, I just get the feeling we'll remember it less as a movie that brought a good man's life to the attention of the world than we will remember it as the one where Spicoli and the drug dealer from "Pineapple Express" totally made out in the pool.

Also, "This film promises to be the 'Milk'-iest movie of the year!!!" BOOM!

Four Christmases

Reese obviously doesn't approve of our blog or its contents.

Let's dive right into this holiday romance:

Boy (Vince Vaughn): Hey there hot stuff. I hate my family and don't want to get married and have children because I've seen firsthand how terrible it is to be raised by people you're actually related to. Now that I've grown into a big boy, I don't ever want to spend time with them because they're embarrassing and suffocating. How 'bout you?

Girl (Reese Witherspoon): Ohmigawd me too! We have so much in common...

Boy: That's a satisfactory response. I am a giant and you are a little minx, and I find the top of your head very, very appealing. Let's procreate.

Girl: That is so sweet. I love looking up into your nostrils and the underneath of your chin/neck area is so studly. Let's totally get it on.

(RELATIONSHIP ENSUES. LOVE GROWS OVER MUTUAL DISTASTE FOR CONVENTIONAL FAMILY LIFESTYLE. LONG AWAITED ROMANTIC VACATION DURING THE HOLIDAYS IS CANCELED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER.)

Boy: I guess we could see the family, since we have nothing else to do and have been avoiding it forever. We have shacked up with each other for a while now.

Girl: I suppose you're right. Let's do it.

... Ain't that a cliffhanger? Aren't you dying to figure out what happens? Isn't this the most hilarious premise ever?

Thought so. I just saved you ten bucks. The End.