Changeling

If there was such a thing as manliest man ever, it'd probably go to Clint Eastwood. He's pretty much the sweetest thing to ever happen to film ever. Think about it: the three brilliant spaghetti westerns that culminate in "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly"; the Dirty Harry movies (all five of 'em, but with special mention for "Sudden Impact", which he also directed); "Unforgiven". Not only is he one of the greatest film personae of all time, but he's an incredibly talented director. Like many of Eastwood's characters might, I'm unable to put into words how I excited I was to watch the trailer for his latest, "Changeling".

But then I watched it.

It stars Angelina Jolie, but it's a super-serious period piece drama, so she won't be hot in this movie. Making Angelina Jolie not hot is a shockingly unmanly thing to do. Frankly, though, that's not this movie's biggest problem. Instead, it's this movie's compulsion to be a super-serious period piece drama that really makes it lame.

For what it's worth, Jolie is a very talented actress. Watching this movie, however, will probably feel like a super-long, super-serious promotional video for just how talented she is. Eastwood himself is a minimalist actor, which makes it so surprising that the actors in his movies tend to be a little over the top. Let's look at this handy reference guide.


On the left, at zero, we have Clint Eastwood. I've seen almost all of his movies and I can say definitively that Mr. Eastwood has never shown any emotion once in his entire career. Showing slightly more expression is Gene Hackman in "Unforgiven"; I'll give him a 2.5. Sean Penn, who won the Academy Award for "Mystic River", pretty much landed it just right, achieving a 7. Ms. Jolie almost surely pushes it all the way to a 10 in "Changeling". If she was any more expressive, she'd be El Greco. You can just tell that once this movie gets going, it will feature Ms. Jolie shrieking in horror, weeping in despair, or bursting with nervous energy. Every frame will emphasize the super-seriousness of the period piece drama unfolding before us.

The basic plot of the movie centers around a terrible true story, in which Jolie takes on the LAPD because they returned the wrong kidnapped boy to her and covered it up or something. I didn't really notice the plot because I was too busy trying to figure out why we needed another movie in which Angelina Jolie ends up stuck in a mental ward or copes with the harsh realities of patriarchal oppression.

It's hard to believe I'm saying this, but this is a film probably worth skipping. Save your $10 for when Eastwood releases in January the Japanese-language version told from the perspective of the LAPD detective in conflict with Jolie